Were it not for the good men that my life has crossed paths with, I’d think that none exist. I’d only focus on the doom and gloom of the gender dynamics in this world, because I’ve experienced quite a lot of it. But life has shown me another side as well. I have been blessed by the presence of many good men in my life, and that is a fact I cannot dismiss. And I know I am not the only woman who’s experienced this.
For people who may want to see others through one rigid lens, it may seem contradictory for someone to talk about how world systems and cultures have been set-up and operated in ways that are disadvantageous to girls and women, in the same breath with the existence and value of good men in women’s lives.
But, I’ve learned to hold two realities in the same space, the bad and the good; the two polarities of life. Terrible things continually happen in this world, and I personally have been a recipient of some of those terrible things, some of them happening to me because I am a woman. Yet at the same time, life has given me the opportunity to experience the presence of many good men along the journey. The evidence is so loud in my everyday life that it is undeniable. And while I join in efforts to advocate and push for a world that allows both men and women to live dignified lives of freedom, I cannot erase the good side that does exist.
So yes! My life has been blessed by some good men. From an early age to the present day. In a manner so consistent that it has continually helped me see that there is still some light in this world.
My mother’s father passed on a few years before I was born. So later when I met who I thought was my grandfather, he was actually my mum’s uncle, her father’s younger brother. My mother and I visited him often. It was always a pleasant time. He’d invite me to sit close to him, and then proceed to tell me about a lot of things. We enjoyed our conversations, and shared a close relationship.
He was a traditional man with little “formal” schooling, and was a devoted Adventist. And yet, he did not let rigid traditional and religious norms dictate how he viewed and treated women. He was very kind, and gentle, and respectful, including towards his wife.
When I became more discerning as a young adult, I noted that mum usually went to him for advice. Over time, grandpa continually positioned mum as the leader in her extended family, ahead of her brothers and male cousins, a role she carried on until her passing. What I experienced with my grandpa stayed with me.
Three maternal uncles blessed my life as well, as well as that of my siblings. We experienced their qualities of respect, gentleness, kindness and generosity towards us, and even after being departed for some years now, they feature often in our conversations, in a joyful and grateful way.
Along life, right from university, I have met and made friends with men who have become like brothers to me as we share a journey of mutual respect, kindness, support and personal growth with each other in different areas of our lives through the years. We’ve always related as equals. And I have witnessed them behave the same with their families.
I have met and worked with men who’ve respected, supported and advocated for women both within and outside the workspaces. For some, I’ve had the privilege of knowing more about their families, and the story and experience there has not been so much different.
I remember in my early days after university, I was driving to Entebbe to see a friend. Nearing there, at a deserted point of the journey, I got a flat tire. I packed on the side of the road, took out my tools and started to do the needful. Hardly had I started than another car pulled up a little in front of mine. A middle aged man got out and offered to help me, and then got on his way.
Another time along a rural road, my engine got heating problems and I had to keep stopping. At a certain point, a man stopped, parked his car near mine. Once he understood the problem, he helped me get jerrycans of water from a nearby shopping center, helped me cool my car’s engine as a temporary measure, and gave me tips on how to handle the problem until I reached an urban centre where I would get help. He then got on his way. Thankfully, the tips he gave me worked.
In everyday life, I have the opportunity of being in the midst of circumstances and spaces where men show up for their wives, partners, and/or children, and other people in their lives, as well as for causes that bring improvement in other people’s lives.
And being different from each other in some ways, relating with men in safe ways allows me as a woman to take a peek at life from the angles through which safe men may see different aspects of life, while understanding better the attitudes of unsafe men. That overall, is helpful to some extent in navigating relationships and environments where gender comes into play. And the experience is not one directional, the reverse is also usually true; we all learn from each other. But this is a whole other wide area for reflection, whose detail wouldn’t fit in this post.
I can’t name every experience, for they are numerous. Some are brief moments. Some are seasonal experiences. Some are continuing experiences with people I am walking with for years or decades.
My experiences are not universal, yet I am confident that I am not an outlier.
Recognizing the reality of the existence of the good does not cancel out the ugliness of the so many dangers and injustices that women and girls experience on a daily in the systems of this world; systems that foster gender inequalities and their devastating effects. However, it is a recognition that:
- Some of humanity is capable of rising out of and above harmful and misogynistic conditioning and systems; they recognise and uphold the value of other lives, no matter the gender. This is not just possibility or potential. It is a reality that is capable of growing, if we keep working to expand it.
- In a world where danger and fear widely exist, and is what is mostly talked about, the humans who show up in life in respectful, supportive, kind, and loving ways create a safe space for others in which they can rest, taste some peace, reach for their growth, and experience some of the beauty of life and this world, at least for a while. That matters, and cannot be dismissed.
- There are men who are showing up whether intentionally or unintentionally, to contribute to the bettering of gender dynamics within our society, and to the dismantling of harmful structures and systems. Through them, younger men and boys can learn to do better, and younger girls and women can hope for and expect better, and work with them as allies to create a more liveable world for all.
- There is a lot of benefit in the positive experience of relating with men in a humane, healthy, balanced, non-threatening and uplifting way. When one’s psyche registers that over time, one becomes more easily able to discern unhealthy and toxic situations and make the decision to change them, resist them, or step away from them.
Of course, treating others in a humane and dignified way should be the minimum expected in the different human relationships, and yet, many times we see a different story, made worse by discriminatory oppressive and negatively enabling systems.
Experiencing the positive uplifting side then, is worth noting. Because the experience is life-giving, and allows all involved to grow. Such is the value and blessing of having some good men along one’s path of life, and in the world in general.
While we can’t always let our guard down, we know that at least in some spaces, we can rest a bit, because carrying the load of fear within and with us all the time is detrimental to our wellbeing. As it is said, “even a warrior needs a place to rest.”
Les brown often says: “That’s my story, and I am sticking to it!” As for me, I’ll say that: “That’s my experience and thought, and I am sticking to it!”
