“A beautiful thing is never perfect.” – African proverb
It feels as if perfectionism, wanting or striving to make things turn out or appear perfect to ourselves and to others communicates something deeper, that we are feeling inadequate on the inside, and therefore doing whatever we can on the outside to overcome that feeling or to cover up the apparent inadequacy from the view of others.
Like we are hiding something that we don’t want others or ourselves to see about ourselves. Maybe we’ve been conditioned to see that which we are hiding as unacceptable, or not good enough.
Until a few years ago, I struggled to refer to myself as a writer. Yet I’ve been writing in some form or shape since secondary school. I loved literature. I liked composing stuff. We used to write and exchange poetry with my best friend. I’ve been secretary to a number of clubs and committees. I’ve worked in communication roles. I’ve written and published a health magazine and website at some point. I have authored a book. I’ve been writing on social media for a while. And yet, when I had to fill in some information on some platform on whether I was a writer, I hesitated. It bothered me. Why was I finding it so hard to see myself as a writer?
I really sat with that question for a few days. Eventually, I realised something. I looked at other writers that were well-published as the ones deserving to be referred to as writers. I felt, falsely, that my own writing was not perfect enough to place me in the category of writers. I realised that I had been working towards reaching some level of “good enough” before I can refer to myself as a writer. I was chasing the unachievable goal of perfection. That meant that I wasn’t embracing or valuing my own writing that much.
But there was more underneath. Self-doubt! It can permeate through many areas of our lives. And it wasn’t serving me. In the particular case of creating or writing, it delays work, it causes anxiety, and it is exhausting, because of trying to make something better and better, so that it can seem more worthy and therefore more acceptable. I couldn’t take that sort of torture anymore. So I worked through it. The funny thing is, now that I embraced being referred to as a writer sometimes, it no longer really matters to me. What I care about is writing what I want to write about. So I go ahead and do it.
On the whole, I am not a perfectionist, and yet the journey of becoming more self-aware has helped me to start identifying when such tendencies have shown up in the past, or when they show up in my present life. Understanding more about the experience of it makes me more aware of it when it is showing up in my children or in other people.
How perfectionism creeps into our lives
As if the so many demands, expectations and criticisms placed on women in general are not enough, African women get even some more placed on their plates. We are expected to juggle different balls and juggle them perfectly. We are supposed to kill it at our careers; be the humble and perfect homemakers, wives and mothers; be available for our extended families, in-laws and communities; and stay highly graceful, virtuous and spiritual. While at the same time attending to our own personal lives. And look good while doing it all. And not speak about any exhaustion. Add in the expectations for our hair and skin and bodies to look a certain way. And all these main lists have sub-lists of other tasks.
We are watched. One slight slip or fall and we get flooded with criticisms. And it starts early in childhood and continues through adulthood. We even get conditioned to watch and criticize each other for any seeming failures. To avoid appearing as less capable, less qualified, less worthy, and to reduce the criticisms, we resort to doing more and to make things as flawless as possible.
Perfectionism takes a toll on our lives.
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.” – Anne Lamott
Perfectionism creates an internal oppressor that’s constantly pushing us to do more so as to meet expectations of what is considered good enough or perfect. At work. At home. In families. In society. It is in producing the never-ending more and better that we are promised to be seen, to be accepted, and to be accorded worthiness and elevation.
We wait to be perfect for an opportunity; we don’t go for it because we are still perfecting our skills. Or, we keep pushing for more accolades and accomplishments just for the sake of piling them on so as to feel and prove that we are finally worthy. We fail to explore our creativity because we are afraid it won’t be good enough.
We wait to be a certain body size or a certain look so we can feel good about ourselves or wear certain type of clothes or show up in certain spaces. We hesitate to get up and dance because we don’t have the perfect dance moves!
We hesitate to share our voices and thoughts because we think they may not matter enough, or we don’t have the right way of relaying our message.
We stay in spaces we ought to consider exiting because we think those spaces are doing us a favour to accommodate our imperfect selves.
The habit and practice becomes so ingrained in us that we hardly notice it. We just keep going. Life becomes more performative than meaningful.
And most of the ideas of perfection we are exhausting ourselves for are other people’s ideas. And since they are external, we cannot really satisfy them, at least not permanently. And even the chase that we internalise and think of as our own, keeps shifting and asking for more. It becomes a vicious cycle.
The problem is that it’s hard to catch up with this perfection. It never seems enough, even to ourselves. We ourselves even develop an inner critic that keeps beating up on us, telling us how we aren’t hitting the mark. One can easily end up in with a deep sense of self-doubt and self-loathing for failing to hit the mark.
Chasing the perfection just to meet a certain set standard steals our time; time away from other tasks, time away from joyful activities, and time away from rest and self-care.
It’s like we become coiled up inside. With pent-up tension and unexpressed energy. The result is missed opportunities. Stress. Anxiety. Inner restlessness. Being stuck. And not enjoying our lives. The internal unease can sometimes lead to external physical disease, further stealing more years off our life.
But do we really want to lose our lives to the tyranny of perfectionism? I think not. And is our life not worthy of some joy, and peace, and growth? I think it is!
I invite you to consider these 6 approaches to let go of perfectionism:
- Decide that you are enough, then start from there
We are born into the world as enough. Then we get conditioned into thinking we aren’t enough and have to earn it. But this is a warped message. We need to go back to the baseline, and remember our enoughness. All the things we are expected to be and do are just experiences and processes of living in this world. They do not decide or define our worth.
You don’t need to chase perfection in order to become enough, because the chasing can never make you feel enough. Instead, embrace that you are enough already, and then take that enoughness into your life experiences. That way, you are showing up to evolve more into yourself, and offer the value and enoughness that is already in you, instead of trying to catch it from the outside.
Set a “good enough” standard in different areas of your life and know that once you’re there, you’re good to go. Even external assignments have their own reasonable standard that rarely demands absolute perfection; meet that and move on to the next. My children have a certain phrase they use; they picked it up from school. It goes like: “Release yourself!” It always makes me laugh. And it’s a good reminder.
- Interrogate your perfectionist thoughts and habits
You need to question the oppressive perfectionist ideas that keep running your mind and your life. It calls for building self-awareness. When you catch yourself overthinking something, overdoing something, or pushing for flawlessness about something, take a moment to pause and ask yourself some questions, because the answers you get may help you release some of the unnecessary pressure you put on yourself:
- Is what I am thinking the truth? You might find it’s just an idea or conditioning you’ve built up over time.
- Is this overdoing and over-chasing necessary? You might find that you’ve already reached the level of what is enough but are just pushing further because of your internal fears of criticism over what you’re doing not being good enough.
- Does this matter in the grand scheme of things? Will the sky fall down if this is not perfect? Will the perfection I am chasing matter some years down the road? Probably not.
- Replace perfectionism and performance with purpose and meaning
Replace perfectionism with purpose. Rather than being driven by how you or what you are doing will appear, focus on the meaning of how you live and the value of what you do and what it adds to yourself and others. If the focus is on impression and what they’ll think about you, then perfectionism is in the driver’s seat. If the focus is on the value, then meaning and purpose are leading the way. A focus on value, meaning and purpose lets you know when enough has been done, and therefore allows you to take rest when you need to; it does not pursue perfection for the sake of external approval or acceptance. You end up serving in engagements that you care about and in doing life and work in a way that brings you more fulfilment.
- Practice self-acceptance
Allow yourself to be human. As humans, we have our weaknesses. We make mistakes. We fail sometimes. And we do not know it all. Accept that and still love yourself anyway. Do not let external demands and your own ego deceive you into thinking that you can be and do all perfectly. Do not let yourself get trapped in the fear of being found out. You don’t have to keep over-doing to hide your imperfections and vulnerabilities; it’s exhausting and robs you of peace and joy. The more you accept yourself, the quieter your inner critic will become. Talk to yourself more positively and more compassionately. The less you criticize yourself, the less absorbed you’ll be with looking for what to criticize about others. This makes for a more peaceful life and better relationships with others.
- Embrace the now
Sometimes we get fixated on the past and its mistakes, missed opportunities and unrealised dreams. But we can’t go back there and change it. Then other times we get obsessed with the future and the fear of not making it happen as we desire. But we can’t jump into that future. We get absorbed and sometimes paralysed by that past-future dynamic and rob our present of the focus and energy we could give it.
Try this alternative. Don’t get locked up in the regrets of the past. Acknowledge the mistakes and let them go. Mourn the unrealised dreams and then remember you can create and build new dreams. Appreciate all you’ve accomplished so far; don’t discount even the small things. Plan for the future but you can only use the now to make the future happen.
Engage fully with the present. Release the doubts born from what hasn’t worked before and focus on what you can do now, on what you can make work now. Embrace the opportunities of today. Appreciate the joys of today. Your life is a process and a work in progress. Allow it to happen.
- Let go and allow yourself the freedom to live
We could learn a lot from children. They too have their little worries, but they allow themselves to just be and live, without the need to be flawless.
Sometimes I watch one of my daughters dance so freely, so joyfully, and absolutely off-beat, with no care in the world. And yet she has “rhythm.” Unless we are doing a dance skit, I don’t bother telling her to dance on-beat. I let her be. And it’s a reminder to let myself be sometimes.
*******
Nature has a lot to teach us. Nothing is a straight line in nature, and it’s hard to find a perfectly smooth curve. Even the timings of its seasons and its expressions are rarely rigidly precise. And yet it’s all beautiful. It doesn’t ask for permission to be. And it doesn’t bend itself to be approved or accepted. It shows up and offers its inherent value. Perhaps we can pick a leaf.
May you step more and more out of performative perfectionism and start stepping more into the blessing of who you are.
