Who are you? Are you open to asking this question of yourself? If not, then this reflection is not for you. But if yes, then read on, let’s reflect together.
“Knowledge of the self is the beginning of all knowledge. So it is incumbent on me to know my self, to know it completely, to know its minutiae, its characteristics, its subtleties, and its very atoms.” – Kahlil Gibran
But do we allow ourselves to have even a tiny peep into who we are? Or is our gaze fixed on rigid identities that we’ve been given by someone else, with the roles and expectations that those identities represent?
Imagine living your whole life in a certain idea and realising at the end of your journey, or when it’s too late, that all along you lived someone else’s made-up idea of what life should be!
So what’s your identity?
Because who and how you perceive yourself to be is how you’ll live your life.
Imagine this. In a hospital room somewhere, a baby is born. It is then proclaimed: “It’s a girl!” For now, being human is enough. No labels. Maybe a name. Let’s call her Kemi, baby Kemi. No expectations. No demands. Except a prayer that she lives a long, healthy and joyful life.
In a few years, Kemi gets to learn that she is a girl. There are other kids around her, boys and girls, maybe in the home, or the neighbourhood, and at school. They are all children, just different. At school, they are treated mostly the same. At home, she is being given different toys to play with, different from what the boys are being given. She doesn’t think this means anything. She just plays along.
As Kemi starts to watch TV and gets exposed to the wider world around her, she starts to learn that she has brown skin, and her hair is curly, maybe kinky. Later on through a few years, she learns that she is black. She wonders why “black,” because she thinks her skin colour is brown. Anyway, she keeps moving.
The years progress. Kemi starts observing and internalizing the roles she sees the adults playing out in life, around her, on TV, and in different spaces. Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be. The world is speaking to her without speaking to her directly. The messages are being cultivated on a subliminal, subconscious level. In small cumulative doses. They are engraving themselves into her psyche. Deeply.
In a few years, as she gets into her teenage years, and into adulthood, the world, society and the people around her start speaking to her directly: “This is what you are and what you are not. This is what you probably will never be. This is how and what you are supposed to be and do, and this is what you aren’t supposed to be and do. These are the boundaries within which you must operate your life.”
By the time the world starts speaking to Kemi directly, half of the job has already been done. By the earlier, subtle, subliminal programming on a subconscious level, now a self-propagating system that continues to do its work without needing external supervision. So the identities and roles she is taking on seem natural and normal. As if by her own will. As if they are her own ideas. And, so many people are living like that anyway. And they are being praised for it. Some rewarded a bit for it. So Kemi wears the crown of identities given to her and keeps moving forward. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes it’s exhausting. Mostly, it’s not as rewarding and fulfilling as the picture she had been promised and given. But life continues.
Kemi could be any of us. Until the end of our physical lives here on earth. Maybe we might wonder, at the sunset of our lives, asking: “Was that truly me? How much of my life was my idea? Could it have been different? Did I own it? Who owned it? Could I have owned it, at least some of it?” However, at sunset, the day is done.
But another Kemi somewhere, wakes up one day, exhausted, confused and feeling disillusioned. She knows something is off. She is asking: “What is this ‘offness’ that I am sensing in all this? Who am I? Where am I? Am I even here? Whose life is this, is it at all mine?”
And in that sea of restless agitation, begins the journey of unravelling whatever she had been told she was, discovering and uncovering the person she is, underneath all the layers of identities she was tightly wrapped in till that moment. And step by step, she starts to call forth who she really is and taking measures to show up in ways that align with who she now knows she is. “It is not an easy process. It is a journey. But it is worth it,” Kemi says.
Again, who are you? What identity do you live your life in?
It is possible that you are living in an identity that is partly or mostly shaped by you, your values and your voice. One that supports you positively. If so, Congratulations!
On the other hand, you could be “locked up” in boxes created by traditions, cultures, colonial mindsets, patriarchal systems, religious dogma, and other past and present-day modern social constructs, with restrictive social roles that allow you little to no wiggle room to experience the level of freedom, growth and expression that you would have wished for or know you are capable of.
Are you the silent obedient follower who’s been told it’s a sin or taboo to question norms and systems? Are you the inflexible holier-than-though guardian of morals and virtues, or the custodian and transmitter of traditions, customs and culture for your people? Are you the praised self-sacrificing mother and caretaker of everyone in the family? Are you the seemingly untiring beast of burden in your home? Are you the economic provider with little power or agency over the decisions regarding those finances?
Are you the major pillar of support for your wider extended family, leaving you spread thin with little energy and resources left for your own life? Are you caught up in the caricature of a modern woman while at the same time carrying all the traditional expectations on your head? Or are you the one carrying the responsibility of leading the way for all those coming behind you? Are you carrying on your head the ashes of a career you chose earlier in life but find hard to release because of the prestige and status it brings you?
What about your physical identity? Beyond acceptable presentability, do you have to look a certain way to be considered acceptable and worthy?
The list could be endless, of the confining boxes any of us may be living in.
Knowing who we are, or what to do to find our true self, is not always obvious. We are usually operating in a programmed automated mode. And yet if we don’t hold a good idea of where we fit and what aligns with who were are, someone or some system tells us where to sit, and how to be useful in that seat. At some stage, we may no longer fit in that seat, yet we may just stick to it because it is all we’ve allowed ourselves to know, or we live in fear of the possible negative consequences of getting out of that seat.
But living that way obviously takes its toll on us. That toll may not be obvious to us. We may just think and conclude that, that is just life! Silence. Anxiety over a lack of self-determination. Burnout. Stress. Lost dreams. Silent envy and jealousy over other people’s lives. Bitterness. Poor health. A lack of desired personal and material growth. All these can result from living a life mostly determined and driven by other people’s agendas.
But do we have to live like this? We don’t! We can choose differently, at least to some extent.
That feeling of ‘offness’ about the state of things may be our truer self that’s nudging us to discover more of who we are and unfold into it, and take the direction that aligns with us better.
But to arrive at that, we need to give ourselves the opportunity, space and time to ponder the answers to questions such as:
- What thoughts and ideas lie behind who I see myself as, and how I live?
- Whose ideas are these? If they are not mine, where do they come from? How are they shaping my life; are they constricting it or expanding it?
- What do I really value in myself, in others, in different aspects of life? Can I experience what I value without harming others?
- What do I want to do with my one life ticket and the different seasons of my life?
- Who could I be and how would I truly choose to lead life if my mind was uncontaminated with all the external notions of who I am supposed to be and how I am supposed to lead life?
- What’s my definition of a good, successful and fulfilling life and what would that look like to me?
There is beauty in finding more of who we truly are, and living some of it out.
We need to give ourselves the gift of choice. The choice of not becoming slaves of other people’s ideas and projections.
We need to hold space for our own thoughts, ideas, opinions, and dreams. To truly see them. And to honour them.
Knowing ourselves helps us find more control and confidence over our life, in the different spheres. And the more comfortable we become in who we are, the less we need to convince others to like or accept us.
When we become more aware of our values, dreams, vision, strengths and weaknesses, our direction becomes clearer.
We won’t be alone. Because the clearer we get, the more we start to clearly see the spaces and people that align with us, and are supportive of our path.
When we peel back the scales and layers we’ve been wearing on top of who we are, we feel lighter. And movement in life becomes a little easier.
And when we incorporate our real self, values and passion into any role we take on, success and fulfilment become more possible, through a process that is no longer performative, but one aligned more with who we know ourselves to be.
Here is the invitation:
Find or define your identity, and then, don’t be afraid to make it functional in this external world. Use your own pace, because our circumstances differ.
Don’t buy into the belief that some parts of life are locked away from you because you are a woman. Or because you are African. Or black. Institutional and systemic barriers may be in your way, but knowing yourself makes it a little easier to navigate them.
Once you define who you are, investigate what you would need to do, what support you’d need and how you would access it to enable you to show up as your chosen identity.
It’s not about becoming a rebel and rejecting structure. It’s about using suitable structures to support the growth and expression of your identity to benefit you and others, rather than letting structures be the determiner of who you are and who you become.
You don’t have to leave where you are. Where you are could give you the support you need, and could benefit from you expressing the truer you. Could you make adjustments right where you are? What can you renegotiate? What can you afford to stay the same, and what can’t you afford to stay the same? Looking ahead years from now, what will benefit you more, the change or the status quo? The answers to those questions will inform your decisions, actions and directions.
And our true self isn’t a frozen statue. It is fluid. It is evolving, guided by the principles and values we hold as important and ethical to us. So, allow yourself to evolve.
You may be wondering what my own identity is. Well, this is what I have uncovered it to be:
I am life, expressed in a human form, as a woman, clothed in brown skin. Where I come from, what I do and how I engage with the world are not my definitive identity, but all different forms of expressions of the life that I am. While I accept my biological and physical limitations, I am not cast in stone. I am free to change and evolve in all areas that are capable of that.
I see myself as every other human, who with opportunity, has the freedom to explore and live life as fully as I possibly can. I may fall, I may win, I may plateau. But one valley or mountain peak does not define my identity. I am a whole life unfolding and evolving along a journey.
My core value is that I hold the principle of life above other principles, and therefore choose to engage with myself, with others and the world in a way that respects and honours that life in myself and in others.
Did I always see myself as this? Not at all. I was all the identities the world started giving me since childhood until the questions I had within me got louder. Giving way and listening to them is what has got me here.
Your identity is most probably based on a different understanding. What is important is that you define it, own it, and live it. Because if you don’t, others will define it for you and hold you at ransom to live out their definition of who you should be.
And while we define our identity and live it out, we need to step aside and let others define theirs for themselves. Especially our fellow women!
May we remember that life didn’t bring us here to fold and shrink; it brought us here to be vessels of its own expression and unfolding. Let’s not suffocate that. Let’s not do life a disservice. For many of us, we have a choice. Will we take it up?
Best wishes!
