Dear Good girl, the girl that I once was,
I want to first of all thank you for taking me through the season during which I was you. Being a good girl then, or at least some version of her, is what I knew, and I needed you for my emotional system then. I needed you to survive in the way I thought I needed to survive. It was not your fault, so I understand and have nothing to forgive you for.
I’ve been looking back, exploring and reflecting on how you came into existence. So much came to mind.
I remember that during childhood, children in general had their place, and were supposed to stay in that place. We existed. Our physical needs were taken care of. Housing, clothing, food, healthcare, schooling and the like. We had age-appropriate chores, and we had opportunities to explore and play. All that was good. But there was the other side. While amongst adults, there was no place to talk much, question much, or answer back. There was unquestionable authority over us from the adults around us; sometimes that authority wasn’t used in healthy ways, but we could not challenge it. Only happy polite emotions could be openly expressed. One could cry, but we could not express the real reasons and emotions behind the crying.
As a girl, things started changing as we came into adolescence. We started hearing messages like, a woman doesn’t do this and that. She must be like this and that in order to get a husband, maintain a marriage and or be acceptable by society, otherwise, she may be shunned. I never heard any of the boys being told that they’ll not be able to get a wife or maintain a marriage if they were not a certain way; it seemed like nothing much was required of them, except the ability to work and provide, if at all. For the girls, there were so many dos and don’ts. Dress like this. Sit like this. Talk like this. Cook like this. Clean like this. Wash like this. Greet like this. Be polite. Don’t express anger. Serve others, in fact, put others first. A woman doesn’t eat before others eat. The list seemed endless, and sometimes confusing and intimidating. I must say though, mum didn’t press so much of this stuff upon me, my siblings or other girls in the home. But there were other adults around who were under the conditioning of how girls and women are supposed to be like, and always communicated these messages directly or indirectly.
While I was educated and brought up to have a career, no one told me that I’d also have to carry so much domestically on top of that on a daily basis, I guess it was just automatically expected of me. But as an adult, I frequently heard and witnessed stories about women – wives, not allowing maids to handle certain tasks in the home, because only a wife should do those things. I refused to fall for some of that. I remember at my wedding, some elders from the in-law family telling me that every day when I return home, I should leave my professional and any other titles at the gate or door, and just be a good wife at home. I also remember this one, “a woman gets up early in the morning to get her household ready, and goes to bed last after everything is done.” None of this was demanded from the man I was marrying. This makes me laugh when I remember it.
This good girl behaviour was and is expected or subtly demanded in many social situations even outside the marital and family environment. Be polite and pleasant. Follow the rules and stay out of trouble. Make your parents, family, elders, community, and society proud. Be selflessly of service and available to others. Work hard and be successful but be very humble about it. Always be well put together. Smile. Don’t ask for too much. This good girl behaviour was and is expected or subtly demanded in many social situations even outside the marital and family environment. Be polite and pleasant. Follow the rules and stay out of trouble. Make your parents, family, elders, community, and society proud. Be selflessly of service and available to others. Work hard and be successful but be very humble about it. Always be well put together. Smile. Don’t ask for too much.
And don’t be too much. Remember that those in authority are rarely wrong and even if they are wrong, don’t make a big deal out of it. It’s an endless list that instructs you on how to fit into other people’s lives before you fit into your own life.
The promise and reward is that if you’re a good girl, you’ll be loved, acceptable, and safe; you won’t get hurt or rejected; you won’t disappoint people. And more of that blah blah blah!
The pattern that results is one of self-suppression, hiding of one’s true emotions, putting others first, smiling even when it hurts, people-pleasing behaviors, accepting the bare minimum from people, accommodation of bad behaviour from others, apologising unnecessarily, dimming your light and being taken for granted.
Of course you know by now, I “failed” to follow a lot of those rules. Still, it was hard to stay undented by many of them. I took on many that would qualify me to be a “good girl,” at least a version of her. I was polite. I served others first before myself. I helped a lot, even when it left me with very little for myself. I swallowed angry and hurt emotions because good girls keep those away. I took lightly or made excuses for other people’s poor behaviour towards me or others. I forgave a lot. I listened a lot. I took on a lot of other people’s burdens that I shouldn’t have taken on. I kept being there for people who weren’t there for me. In many instances, I was expected to shrink and be humble just to make some people comfortable.
Of course you know by now, I “failed” to follow a lot of those rules. Still, it was hard to stay undented by many of them. I took on many that would qualify me to be a “good girl,” at least a version of her. I was polite. I served others first before myself. I helped a lot, even when it left me with very little for myself. I swallowed angry and hurt emotions because good girls keep those away. I took lightly or made excuses for other people’s poor behaviour towards me or others. I forgave a lot. I listened a lot. I took on a lot of other people’s burdens that I shouldn’t have taken on. I kept being there for people who weren’t there for me. In many instances, I was expected to shrink and be humble just to make some people comfortable.
Eventually, I was left empty. Exhausted. I couldn’t carry any more of it. Something in me could no longer excuse these kinds of lies, demands and expectations. That something in me asked a lot of questions and the answers that showed up could no longer accommodate being a good girl, no matter the price I had to pay. It was very obvious that being a good girl does not save you from being hurt or rejected or used. In fact, people will exploit you for that very pattern of being a good girl.
Yes, I was woman, but wasn’t I human? If I was human, then I had the prerogative to see myself as other humans. A human who didn’t have to earn her existence. A human who had the right to pursue her dreams without being weighed down by unnecessary burdens; a human who needed to have consideration for herself; a human who also deserved the good stuff in life; a human who had emotions and was free to feel them and express them, healthfully; a human who didn’t have to play the performative role required by society in order to be seen as enough and worthy; a human who was not tireless with boundless energies, but deserved rest when she needed it. I was done! I started chucking out the patterns one by one. To date, I am still investigating my life for any unnecessary good girl pattern and working towards cleansing myself of it.
Key actions I am taking are these:
Loving myself and learning myself as I go along:
Showing up in life based on external prescriptions and approval often masks us from knowing who we are and prevents us from loving ourselves unconditionally, with the false understanding that love, acceptance and approval comes from the outside. So we keep adjusting ourselves so we can measure up. I got exhausted, woke up from that expectation, and released myself from it. I now choose to continue learning who I am and who I am not, what I like and what I don’t. I am choosing to be the first person that loves, accepts and approves of the life and person that I am with all my beautiful and not-so-beautiful aspects, and the aspects I am working on as well as those that are unchangeable. I am allowing myself to see and acknowledge my shadow, my mistakes and setbacks without harshly criticizing and demeaning myself. I am allowing myself to grow and evolve while being kind, patient and compassionate towards myself. I am choosing to know that I am enough as I grow and move through life’s changing journey and seasons. From this basis, I can deeply love myself and know how I deserve to be treated, and my limits of what I can or cannot accommodate, while also being mindful of how I love and treat others.
Cultivating healthy boundaries:
While we all live in this world together, we are still individuals who need to respect and honour each other and our different lives. Sharing this world comes with its joys and challenges, both of which we have to manage. I recognize other people’s right to exist and partake of this life. I therefore strive not to step on people’s toes and frustrate their lives, while at the same time, I expect the same consideration and treatment, and not less. I am more mindful of where and how I invest my time and energy when it comes to people, spaces and engagements.
Owning and living my own life:
My life is mine to understand, direct and live with ownership, responsibility and accountability. It’s not a project under the management of some earthly institutions, other person, or society. Those that prescribe and try to impose and manage how I should live are not the ones to face the consequences – especially the negative ones, of their prescriptions for my life; it is me and the people close in my life who face the music or terror when things go right or wrong. I choose therefore to take the driver’s seat and determine to the extent that I can, how I drive my life and which direction I take it. Do I take advice? Of course; I watch out for the signposts and listen to relevant guidance along the way, and move along accordingly.
Letting myself be while letting others be:
Why do societal prescribers think and demand that most of us do life according to certain similar scripts? We are all different. I’ve learnt to recognize, validate and honour my own difference from other people, just as they are different from me, and rightly so. We all do life differently. We have different aspirations. We love different things. We have different fears. We suffer from different issues. We don’t need to weigh our lives against another’s. We don’t have to demand or expect others to live like us. We don’t have to strive to live like others. So, I give myself the unapologetic permission to take my path and celebrate the joys and deal with the challenges along it, while letting others take their path. I am open to constructive help as I uphold my autonomy while offering constructive help to others where I can, but at the same time remembering to stay out of people’s way and not block their autonomy in dealing with their own lives and issues. And I am okay to have fun with my life, without a ‘yes’ from other people.
Taking care of myself:
In this lifetime, it’s one life that I have, one trip! And my body, which has no spare parts, is the garment and vehicle through which I am travelling and experiencing life. And my mind and emotions must be in healthy condition in order to make this life trip a little easier and more fulfilling. It’s therefore imperative that I do what I can to take care of myself: my mind, my emotions, my body, my soul. So now, I take time to consider myself, to put myself first without guilt, to serve myself, to nurture myself, and to rest when I need to. I serve others, but I remember not to drain myself to empty. And I choose not to take on any unnecessary stuff that would drain and negatively impact my life. I prioritise myself and recognize that my needs, desires, and happiness are as important as anyone else’s. It is my responsibility to handle myself with love, tenderness, care, grace, respect and honour, and no longer willingly keep within my space anybody who wants to treat my life in any lesser ways.
Since I started letting go of whatever versions of the good girl that I was, my life has become lighter happier, more peaceful, and less exhausted, and I sleep better. I have more time and energy to do the things that have meaning and value for me, to relate with people with whom engagement brings mutual reciprocity and satisfaction, to show up in spaces when it appropriately serves me and others while staying away when showing up would be more draining than constructive.
I have a clearer vision of how I want to use the gift of this life that I have. I feel and know I can contribute much more authentically, deeply and meaningfully in the many spheres of my life when it comes to myself, friendships, relationships, work and community. Because I am present within myself, I can be more fully and willingly present within the spaces I choose to participate.
I no longer lead myself with the demands earlier placed upon me by society. The only demand I have on myself is that I show up as fully human. With my shadows and with my light, with my joys and sadness, with my ambitions balanced with rest, with self-examination and critique balanced with self-appreciation, with giving and sharing love and respect as I receive it back, and serving others while being served appropriately.
I no longer work for acceptance or approval from society and individuals, and I’ve become okay with not making many happy. Instead I focus on being a human that lives in harmony first with myself and then appropriating that to the environments around me.
I do not fight the good girl that I once was or any aspects of you that still remain in me, nor do I want to fight with other good girls around me. I am simply focused on becoming and living as fully human as I was created to be, while letting others walk their journeys as well. I am happy to walk with those on the same frequency, and have no need to convince those who are on different ones to join mine.
It’s not always easy. Your good girl voice still creeps in, that voice of wanting to be good, to be liked and approved and accusing me of being unkind and rude when I put up my boundaries and stand up for myself or speak up and say “NO” when I need to, reminding me to be soft and pleasant even when the moment calls for being stern. I am now more aware of that voice, and even more aware that I don’t need the good-girl way anymore.
Releasing the good-girl way is work, the work of being mindful and deep reflection to find who you are, of building the courage to be disapproved, disliked, unaccepted, and of sitting with discomfort when those around you act uncomfortable because you have chosen yourself.
I only desire to be a full human, not a good girl or good woman.
It’s freedom! A freedom I can no longer let go of.
